Adventures in FUNemployment vol.1

New Adventure -Golf

So as I was reading Kimiposh's article about the fun things that her rich friends have been doing since being laid off, and decided to expand my horizons and live like an unemployed rich person. I planned on documenting my adventures here, but haven't had time...what with Perez getting bitch-slapped, Michael Jackson dying, and Governor Sanford's love story, I have been a little tied up. So this is my first installment of Adventures in FUNemployment. Kimiposh's friend, Michael von Gorkum, plays rounds and rounds of golf everyday, so I thought I would start there.

Now I don't play golf much and I'm not really good at it. However, after reading Kimiposh's article I have to say I am getting quite excited about this. I think I might even turn this into a full time job and start playing for money - like Nancy Lopez.

Apparently, there is some "equipment" involved in golf, which I don't have. Therefore, I am going to have to go with what I got. I don't have those shoes with the spikes on the bottom of them, but I do have these:
I figure I can just hammer some nails into the bottom of them and they will work just fine. I saw Tiger wearing a pair of these at the British Open (except his were red). They do things a little "different" across the pond. But hey - if it's good enough for Tiger, it's good enough for me.

The next piece of "equipment" I was told I needed were some golf clubs. Again, don't have any of those laying around, but check out the cool set I swiped from my nephew:


huh? Pretty cool, right? It even comes with balls.

So I have my equipment and I am ready to hit some balls. I'm driving to a golf course brimming with so much excitement, I can hardly stand it. I am visualizing myself with that green jacket Tiger Woods always wins and my very own trophy to kiss.

As I am walking up to the club house (for you peasants, that's where all the old rich guys hang out before and after playing golf), I noticed that this golf course looks very different than the one I am used to.

WAIT A MINUTE! Where are the windmills? And the beautiful waterfall? Hey...just a second. This place has no hippopotamus that opens and closes its mouth? What is this...golf for the poor? I must be at the wrong course because all I see are little hilly-looking things that have flagpoles with flags on the top of them. And the flags are ALL THE SAME COLOR. Seriously guys...is this the white trash golf course? I bet Michael von Gorkum isn't playing here. He's playing on the rich people's golf course....where they have the little red farm house that you hit your ball in to.

This totally sucks....big, white golf balls.

I was already there so I decided to go ahead and play. I go into the clubhouse and tell the nicely tanned gentleman that I would like to play a round of golf. He was so helpful and so kind and told me he could set me right up....for $75. And a cart would be an additional $55!!!!!eleventy!!!!

WHAT!*$%# You don't need a cart at the course I normally play. They have all the holes close enough that you can walk. How do poor people play on this golf course? I don't know about this. I think this is some kind of scam.

Being unemployed and not rich, $130 is pretty steep to hit a little ball around and sweat all day. And Michael von Gorkum plays EVERYDAY? I had such high hopes for my day. I was going to be the next Nancy Lopez. I am crushed....crushed by the cruelness of the world. It's not fair. NOT FAIR, I tell you. Doesn't the nice, tanned gentleman know I have dreams? Does he know that he just squashed my dreams like a bug under his shoe? A ladybug? Doesn't he know that I am unemployed and need to have some fun? Will Gov. Sanford become one with his mistress? Does he care? Apparently not.

As I was leaving, crushed from my blow of not being able to play in the LPGA, I ran into Michael von Gorkum. He was kind enought to let me drive his cart.
Kimiposh mislead me. She had me believing that unemployment was so much fun and filled with adventure. I just sent her a note to let her know she might want to warn her readers that playing golf all day, everyday, can become an expensive habit - like cocaine.

UPDATE: My dreams haven't been totally crushed....they are alive....alive like the sound of music. I got me one of these to practice golf with. I can smell the money now! LPGA, here I come.

UPDATE II: The dream was not to be....the nails from my shoe tore a hole in the putting mat. No more practicing, no more golf, no more LPGA. DAMN YOU KIMIPOSH, getting my hopes up.

Meghan McCain is Sexy

This is Ms. McCain's latest tweet:

McCainBlogetteI am flattered people want me to pose in my undergarments for photo shoots, however the election didn't kill my father, that would...

Really? You're flattered that the 45 year old creepy man that lives in his mom's basement wants to see you in your underwear? How do you know he hasn't already seen you?

Me thinks Meghan hearts Meghan.

Queen Michelle the First

With a headline such as, Queen Michelle the First, something tells me Jeremy Mayer isn't too fond of the idea of Mrs. O taken a larger roll in policy development.

Discussion of Mrs. O preparing herself to run for President will begin in 4..3..2..

MN Senator decided

Al Franken wins court case that gives him the Senate seat in MN.

Really? Well, this is the state that elected Jesse "The Body" Ventura as Governor.

And what a body it is....

Ariana Huff has pointers for Citizen Journalist

Hop on over to Huffington Post if you want some pointers in Citizen Journalism. Ariana is looking for some eyes and ears to help report the news.

You can find me reporting from Michael Jackson's makeshift memorial.

Cuz I really want that purple gorilla.

Michael Jackson not biological parent

and neither is Debbie Rowe.

I know someone who knows someone who knows a close member of the family who said Bubbles donated the actual egg AND sperm for MJ's kids. And he had been raising the kids for the last 4 years. That's where they learned to fling monkey poo.

There you go, people. Mystery solved.

I got connection.

You're welcome.

West Side Story?

No, it's Web Side Story. Mildly amusing.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

UPDATE: This should be called the Gov Sanford Love Story after that
cringe-worthy interview he gave today.

Top Ten Gross Things in Your House

Top ten gross things in your home....surprisingly, toenail clippings embedded in your carpet are not listed.

The media's fascination with Sarah Palin

Vanity Fair has the latest hit piece on Sarah Palin. The article states: Palin, keeping her distance from most domestic media as well, also declined to talk to V.F.

I can't imagine why.

And there's this: What does her prominence say about the importance of having (or lacking) a record of achievement in public life?

Isn't that what Republican's were asking about Obama during the campaign? I agree that Palin was lacking some fundamental knowledge, especially on foreign affairs, but she still had a thicker record of accomplishment than Obama did.

Needless to say, this article doesn't paint Palin in a flattering light and takes the usual popshots against her family. I don't understand the media's obsession with her or the need to report what seems to be a caricture of her.

One thing that leads me to be suspicious of the accuracy of the article and what it has to say is this passage:

By the time Election Day rolled around, the staff had been serially pummeled by unflattering press reports about the gaps in Palin’s knowledge, her stubborn resistance to direction, and the post-selection spending spree in which she ran up bills of $150,000 on clothes for herself and her family at high-end stores.

I believe Palin when she says she did not buy those clothes for herself. After she was selected as the nominee, she was followed around 24/7 by the press. If she had gone on these shopping sprees, we would have heard all about it as it was happening. Therefore, I tend to believe Palin when she says she didn't purchase those clothes.

I don't think she is a contender for President nor do I believe she will decide to run for national office again so I don't understand the media's continued obsession with her.

I would also like to point out that Joe Biden is the biggest baffon we have ever had as VP. I hope Obama takes care of himself. I would hate for something to happen to him and we end up with that jackass as President.

Don't Stop Till You Get Enough

I just passed by the TV and Joe Jackson is on giving a press conference. He was talking about his record company and all the "great artist" he is managing that have records coming out.

It's nice to have a father promote himself in your time of death. I have asked my dad that when I die, I want him to give a press conference to tell the world about his work on alien autopsies and his relationships with the creatures from beyond. I think my death would be a great opportunity for Pops to educate the world on the Supernatural.

The world needs to know. Just like the world needs to know about all of Joe Jackson's great artist that have records coming out.

UPDATE: Fox News has overview of what was said at this news conference. Even Fox noticed Jo Jackson plugging his record company. He said the funeral will be open to the public. I bet he charges admission to the funeral.

I want one of those purple gorilla's.

Goin' Around Virginia

I would stay clear of Virginia for the next week or so. It seems they have halted prescription drugs for powerful painkillers due to a hacker accessing the drug database.

A House panel learned that powerful drugs such as Oxycontin, Valium, Vicodin and Ritalin are being withheld because pharmacists can't check with the prescription drug database that still allows limited access.

Should be interesting in Virgina for the next few days. I'll go ahead and watch from my house in Texas.

Celebrate Diddy Style

Over the weekend, there were many celebrities paying tribute to Michael Jackson. Jamie Foxx tried to moonwalk and encouraged everyone to not mourn MJ, but celebrate his life.

Wellll, apparently, P. Diddy didn't get the text message (see how I said text message instead of memo. It's cuz I'm so millinium) anyway...so P. Diddy didn't get the text and this is what happened:

Toward the end of the evening, the rapper abruptly stopped playing a remixed version of “Man in the Mirror” to dedicate a moment of silence to the singer and then told guests like Queen Latifah, Taraji P. Henson, Wesley Snipes and Hill Harper, “While you guys are talking and laughing, you’re not hearing his words. You’re not listening to his words. I need you to hear what he’s saying! Listen to the message that he is telling us.”

He then resumed his lecture while blasting “Mirror” at full volume, shouting over the music, “Michael, I hear your words — I hear what you’re saying!”

That's right. Diddy Daddy wasn't get enough attention, so he decided to exploit a dead guy. Diddy is for sure getting into heaven with his random acts of kindness.

I love celebrities.

Whitey Wins

Supreme Court rules in favor of white firefighters who sued for race discrimination.

I bet the Justices killed Michael Jackson, too. Where do they find the time?

Sometimes you feel like a Conspiracy Nut, sometimes you don't

I was wondering how long until the "Michael Jackson was murdered" conspiracies would start. Of course, Geraldo the wonderjourno, had a whole hour of this crap last night.

From Gawker:

"The CIA did it," Murray explains. "The U.S. was mad at Michael for taking money overseas. They wanted that money." Even a man hawking T-shirts newly festooned with MJ's mug, feels a frame-up in the air. Afraid to tell me how much merchandise he has sold today (it's a lot) he accuses me of wanting to report him to the Feds. "You trying to get the IRS on me?"

I hope Perez Hilton has a better week

Andrew Briebert has an article about the whole Perez kurfuffle. If you missed the happenings of last week, here they are:

1. Perez got into a fight with Will.i.am and he called Will.i.am a "faggot"
2. Will.i.am's manager punched him in the face
3. Perez took to the internet to cry about his ordeal.
4. GLADD demanded an apology from Perez for his gay slur - which he didn't really give, but did manage to compliment himself a couple of times.
5. Perez said he was going to sue the Peas manager and donate the money to the Matthew Shepard Foundation, which fights against violence towards gays.
6. The Matthew Shepard Foundation rejected his offer because he engaged in the behavior they fight against.

It sucks to be Perez. Now if only someone would flush this little turd down the toilet.

Hurricane Charlie

The Republican Barney Frank.

Charlie Crist veto of a hurricane insurance reform bill last week all but guarantees a state disaster on top of any wrought by Mother Nature.

The bill would have trimmed the cost of a state-run enterprise that insures homeowners against storm damage. The program has an $18 billion unfunded liability and has taxpayers on the line for tens of billions in property losses from the next major hurricane. The Republican legislature tried to reduce those future losses, but Mr. Crist sounded like Barney Frank rolling the dice on Fannie Mae in declaring there's nothing to worry about.

Yep, sounds like he is made for Washington. Does anybody know where I can contribute to his campaign?

Obama will probably raise taxes on the middle class

Axlerod says Obama is not ruling out a middle class tax increase.

I'm not worried. Obama said during the campaign that he would not raise taxes on anyone making less than $250K. You know... people who live below the poverty line. I currently make less than $250K, below the poverty line, so this middle class tax Axelrod speaks of will not effect me.

I am glad to see he is sticking it to those rich middle class people. They haven't been paying their fair share, and it is about time they pony up. Obama is gonna buy me a big screen TV and those things don't pay for themselves. It's not fair that rich, middle class people have one and I don't.

PAY UP RICH PEOPLE!

Help, the dollar has fallen and it can't get up

The dollar declined the most against the euro in a month and dropped versus the yen after China repeated its call for a new global currency.

But I voted for Hope and Change. If I had known this is what Hope and Change looked like, I would have voted for Larry, the guy who cleans our septic tank. The Chinese like Larry. He can make a mean Moo Goo Gai Pan.

I think we should trade Monopoly money. Then I can own Boardwalk and Park Place and put up a bunch of hotels and when you suckers land on it, you will owe me lots and lots of money. This is my new get rich quick scheme.

John Edwards to the rescue

These political scandals have been really boring. I'm glad we have John Edwards to provide us with excitement.

Me thinks Edwards was upset with Gov. Sanford and his Harlequin Romance emails. A sex tape definitely trumps steamy emails.

Edwards - 1
Sanford - 0
Ensign - -10 (no emails, no video, no points)

Journalist are morons

This is the stupidest thing I have read in awhile. Some journalist with the Concord Monitor has uncovered a conspiracy theory. A scary, watch out the bogeyman is gonna get you, true blue conspiracy theory.

The conspiracy is about Michelle Obama's garden. Apparently, to these theorist in the know (two in total), the vegatables are fake..and how does Susan Reimer know about this conspiracy? She read it in the comments section of her Gardening blog. Seriously, a couple of people on her blog wrote something about the vegetables being fake so she sets out to look for other "examples" of Republicans being mean to Mrs. O.

My favorite quote from the article?

My own nephew (he is a Republican) sent me a text message saying, "There's no way those are the same plants. If they are, then I'm moving to D.C. and starting a farm and raking it in."

Really? Your Republican nephew believes it? Well, that settles it. All Republicans must believe the garden is a fake...because I am sure your nephew is a clear representative of all Republicans.

Ms. Reimer states in her article that this conspiracy was borne in the feeds from the Drudge Report and "Obama watch- dog" blogs. She didn't list the Obama watch-dog blogs, but I did look for the conspiracy theory in the Drudge Report...and the only thing I could find alluding to the Drudge Report and the garden being fake was a post on HER blog.

Ms Reimer states on her blog, "Matt Drudge, editor of the blog Drudge Report, has posted a pair of before-and-after photos of the White House kitchen garden which seem to suggest that the garden couldn't have grown so much between April and June."

Here is a screencap of the Drudge Report:

I didn't infer the same thing she did. I don't see this as criticism of Michelle O's garden. I see it as a compliment of her gardening skills. But...decide for yourself. Besides, wasn't the harvest supposed to be this month?

My second favorite quote:

But I am a liberal feminist gardener, so of course I can't be objective.

This is an example of someone who takes their politics waaaaaay too personal.

Journalist are morons.

Whaaaaat?

The death of Tippy Tom is topping Google Trends. Who is Tippy Tom?

See what happens when you have a job? A stupid job doesn't allow for staying up with all the latest trends, fads, and "people in the know".

whew! It's a good thing I am unemployed...now I have time to be cool.

Michael Jackson news

TMZ has a whole slew of MJ news...

• Debbie Rowe's parental rights were never terminated so she can regain custody of her kids if she wants
• Shot of Demerol thought to be what killed him
• MJ's live in doctor has gone missing (live in doctor??)

People is reporting that his family had concern about his drug use and staged an intervention.

So sad. I really feel for his kids.

Interesting....

The number of climate change skeptics is rising? You mean as the economy continues to tank, people are a little nervous about overhauling their life to accommodate climate change? That is interesting. And surprising.

UPDATE: 15 reasons to oppose the Waxman-Markey climate bill. I mean, other than no one is really allowed to read or debate the bill before the vote.

I am always nervous when Congress plays "Cram a Bill" ...like they are trying to hide something.

Michael Jackson RIP

MJ is dominating the top ten on Amazon. Thriller is #1, Off the Wall is #2, and Bad is #3.

I wish I still had my Thriller album (the actual record...that was played on that thing called a turn table).

Now this is what we need more of

GE to add 1100 jobs.

What if...

From Reason TV: What if the government ran health care?

Holy Smokes...everyone is dying today

Michael Jackson just died of cardiac arrest. RIP

He was a weirdo..but Thriller ROCKED

UPDATE: TMZ is the only one who is reporting that MJ has died. No one else is...stay tuned.

UPDATE: Official ... King of Pop is dead. A part of my youth is gone.

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

Gov. Sanford's mistress has been identified. Maria Chapur. And there are pics...

Also, the taxpayer's of SC got to pay for his trip to Argentina.

Continuing the blood shed

From Fox:

Family members of slain Iranian protester Neda Agha Soltan have been forced by Iranian authorities out of their Tehran home after disturbing and graphic images of her death were viewed around the world.

Allegedly, the government buried the body without telling the family and canceled all memorial services for Neda. This only fuels the flames.

Here is a video that captures the incident.

Boy it's a good thing we have a Supreme Court

Otherwise, I wouldn't know it was wrong to strip search an 8th grader.

The government is so good to me.

Who is he forgetting?

Political scandals of past...but there may be someone missing. Who is missing from the list? It's on the tip of my tongue....Jill? Phil? Gill? John-ill?

awww...shoot. It's like one of those mind bender games. Only hard. Really, really hard.

RIP

Farrah Fawcett dies at age 62.

Buffett says economy in shambles

Now he tells us! That Warren Buffett is supersmart.

Warren Buffett's latest statement on the economy:

Taking a firm position in an ongoing debate in the financial markets, Buffett says he's not concerned about deflation, but thinks inflation will be a problem in coming years.

Wasn't he the one who was endorsing Obama's massive spending spree? Why yes....yes he was:

Buffett predicts that Obama's plan for a massive stimulus program will help, but not right away.

Massive spending + printing money = inflation...but he didn't see that when he was endorsing the stimulus? I should be a billionaire.

Cable channels to allow only subcribers to view shows online

Cuz' this worked out so well for NYT.

Several major cable networks and subscription-TV providers are readying systems that will let only paying subscribers watch cable shows on the Web, part of an effort to counter the growing amount of free TV shows available online.

I smell a fight.

Coming Soon: More Teabagging jokes

Fourth of July is going to be a busy one for the TEA protesters.

Recap of Obamacare Special

I KNEW IT!

I knew there was some scandal involved with Gov. Sanford's disappearance.

AND there are emails:

You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details ...

at the same time we are in a hopelessly - or as you put it impossible - or how about combine and simply say hopelessly impossible situation of love. How in the world this lightening strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure. As I have said to you before I certainly had a special feeling about you from the first time we met, but these feelings were contained and I genuinely enjoyed our special friendship and the comparing of all too many personal notes ...

Lastly I also suspect I feel a little vulnerable because this is ground I have never certainly never covered before - so if you have pearls of wisdom on how we figure all this out please let me know... In the meantime please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul.”

What an idiot! He takes off to Argentina to be with his mistress and doesn't come up with a cover story? Pfft...amateur.

The emails are from his personal email account. How did the State Newspaper get them? I bet his wife is involved somehow. She apparently kicked him out 2 weeks ago and that is why she didn't know where he was.

John Kerry adds his two cents worth. Hahahah, John Kerry is so funny. Hahaha

Even in death, you can help save the environment

I present, the Prius hearse.

Michael Bay is not smelling Hope and Change

Variety is upset that in the latest "Transformers" movie, Michael Bay didn't follow the formula of Bush=Bad and Obama=Good. Apparently, he stuck with All Presidents=Bad...and that's bad.

So I guess they are still invited over for hot dogs and fireworks

Obama is negotiating with terrorist in Iran?

Update: Iran no longer invited for hot dogs and fireworks.

Hey everybody, I found him....over here

Governor Sanford has been found. He was in Beunos Aires, not hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Move along people, nothing to see here. Until the hooker shows up....

UPDATE: There's a scandal.

I knew there was some scandal involved with Gov. Sanford's disappearance.

AND there are emails:

You have a particular grace and calm that I adore. You have a level of sophistication that so fitting with your beauty. I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night’s light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details ...

at the same time we are in a hopelessly - or as you put it impossible - or how about combine and simply say hopelessly impossible situation of love. How in the world this lightening strike snuck up on us I am still not quite sure. As I have said to you before I certainly had a special feeling about you from the first time we met, but these feelings were contained and I genuinely enjoyed our special friendship and the comparing of all too many personal notes ...

Lastly I also suspect I feel a little vulnerable because this is ground I have never certainly never covered before - so if you have pearls of wisdom on how we figure all this out please let me know... In the meantime please sleep soundly knowing that despite the best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your voice, your body, the touch of your lips, the touch of your finger tips and an even deeper connection to your soul.”

What an idiot! He takes off to Argentina to be with his mistress and doesn't come up with a cover story? Pfft...amateur.

The emails are from his personal email account. How did the State Newspaper get them? I bet his wife is involved somehow. She apparently kicked him out 2 weeks ago and that is why she didn't know where he was.

John Kerry adds his two cents worth. Hahahah, John Kerry is so funny. Hahaha

The battle of the Health Care

In this corner, weighing in at 123 lbs, we have an article on the need for a public health care system - because without government competition, the private sector has little incentive to improve.

and in this corner, weighing in at 135 lbs, we have an article on why government run health care is bad.

ding, ding

Update: Obama's position on forcing people into government healthcare program has evolved. Somehow that doesn't fill me with warmth and comfort.

Fun with Twitter

So I read this at Newsweek and it appears John Mayer and Perez Hilton had a very public dispute...on Twitter.

Some of the highlights:

John Mayer:

Not true. In fact I'd like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you'll have the situational awareness not to get in someone's face.

I also want to train you in an old martial art called "Never Call A Black Dude a Faggot Jitsu."

So let's meet up this week and I'll give you your first krav maga instruction. We'll break the event down and learn...

1. de-escalation tactics. 2.Creating distance. Instuctives ("get back!" placing the hand out) 3. Combined block and attack....

by understanding the genetics of a violent incident you can learn to avoid them. And if you can't, you will learn to end them.

this will be the last public mention of it. You know how to find me. Words have cause and effect, even if the effect is wrong.

from the heart, what you experienced these last 24 hrs is a profound lack of control. You can't blog the world, my friend.

people don't want to see you hurt, they want to see you experience something equalizing.

Yah, you're not getting it... OOH! OK. It's like the Matrix. You live in the Perez Matrix. You wrote the program, you can fly.

now you sit down behind that Tandy computer and you hash out a Doogie diary. Be sure to pause, think, and keep typing.

Good night Perez, you dumb shit.


Perez was practically begging him to take this offline. And my favorite line from Perez:

I cant DM u and Im not trying to play this out publicly. B well. I dont wish u harm.

Really? Aren't you the one who used your phone to tweet for your followers to call 911? But we will stick with you not trying to play this out for publicity.


Kirstie Alley got in on the action as well:

WILL I.AM ?....YOU AM....MY NEW HERO...SMACK!!!! ....WAH WAH WAH...OUCH.. OUCH MY EYE...OUCH OUCH OUCH CALL 911..OUCH BOO HOO..OUCH

Perez...in the future...must only duke it out with lentils...leave the black eyed peas to the big boys

IN YOUR OWN WORDS...CUTE PIC PEREZ...CUTE PIC...lol

JOHN MAYER...you are in the wrong biness...you funny, singer boy...you real damn funny...

Twitter is fun.

I bet unemployment will be a problem now

Dear Harvard Newly Unemployed:

No need to worry because unemployment is FUN! Kimi Yoshino told me.

Toronto hearts black people

Toronto couldn't find one token black person to include in their cover photo for a magazine...so they photoshopped one in, because they love black people.

This is kinda like 'rent-a-black-guy'...and why aren't black people offended by this? Because, really? Couldn't find one black person? Not one? Really?

Seriously, check it out and see if you can't tell if it was photoshopped.

Jon and Kate on hiatus

WHAT? B-B-But this means one of them might have to get a real job.

The world is crazy, people. CRAZY I tell you. Iran is burning to the ground, N. Korea is weaponizing plutonium, Ed McMahon dies, and now Jon and Kate can't pimp their kids out anymore. Crazy times....

Teaching Moment For Us All

The firefighters in Waipahu left food unattended and their firehouse burnt down. If they had a sprinkler system in their fire house, or maybe a smoke detector, this may not have happened. Seriously, a smoke detector can alert you to a potential fire. And a sprinkler system can actually put the fire out- even when you are not there.

It's true. I saw it on Mythbusters.

Dear Fat

Dear Fat -

I am writing to let you know I am dumping you. By the time you read this, I will have started the process of riding you out of my life. It's not me, it's you. See, the thing is I realized you suck. I know this might come as a shock to you because things have been going so well lately. But I feel it is time we part ways for good. I'm sorry, I just need my freedom...and I need to be able to zip up my pants.

I used to think you were so swell. But now, I believe we are not right for each other. Sure, our relationship started out slowly and we loved being together all the time. And sure, you gave up everything you had to be with me when I got laid off. But you have become a burden for me. I used to be able to wear cute clothes and look all snazzy. Now? I have one pair of black elastic pants that are beginning to wear a hole in the legs from my thighs rubbing together all the time. I have refused to buy new clothes because I have been planning on dumping you for some time now. Yes, that's right. This break-up has been in the works for awhile. But you seem so emotionally attached to me and I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I know we have broken up before and eventually gotten back together. This relationship is been quite the on-again/off-again rollercoaster that is emotionally draining for me. But that is your doing, not mine. The last time we broke it off, I told you then I wanted nothing to do with you. But...you keep coming back. Only this time, you came back with a vengeance. It's like you have gotten all weird and pervy on me lately. Wanting to be with me all the time, taking up more space than you should, making it more difficult for me to fit into my favorite jeans....it's just too much this time. I know, I know..I am at fault too. But sometimes ignorance is bliss. And sometimes ignorance gives you a muffin top.

But this time, I mean it! This break-up is for good. I don't want you lurking around trying to entice me, what with your bagels and cream cheese and your McDonald's biscuits and your chocolate chip cookies. We are done for good. I will no longer be accepting gifts from you or dinners out to Texas Steak House... with their delicious rolls and cinnamon butter.

I have always been kind to you...let you stay for awhile, let you hang out with me. Yet you, in your own malevolent ways have spitefully turned on me, and I have no other options but to dump you completely.

Don't call, don't write, and please don't stand at my refrigerator with the door open. If you do, I will have to file a restraining order.

Good bye fat. Take care of yourself and I hope you choke on your own vomit.

Love,

RamRants

Kimiposh was right...unemployment IS fun. If I had a job, I wouldn't be drowning my sorrows in ice cream.

Homes for Heroes

Not sure what to think of this...

a triple amputee from Iraq was to get a home from Homes for Our Troops but since they own 2 other homes, they don't qualify.

On the one hand, that is kinda crappy that a guy who served his country and needs a home designed for his disabilities won't be getting his home.

On the other hand, Homes for Our Troops is for needy families and if you already own 2 homes, you can't be that needy. And, they didn't disclose the ownership of the 2 other homes until they were presented with the evidence.

Gov Sanford is missing

I read this earlier today and thought is was one of those joke sites. But the Post has posted this so I guess it is true.

His wife isn't concerned?

hmmm, interesting.

UPDATE: Gov's office issued a statement:

The governor’s office issued a statement Monday afternoon: "Gov. Sanford is taking some time away from the office this week to recharge after the stimulus battle and the legislative session, and to work on a couple of projects that have fallen by the wayside. We are not going to discuss the specifics of his travel arrangements or his security arrangements."

Guess he wasn't kidnapped. There's probably a scandal somewhere there that is waiting to bust out.

It is still strange how his wife didn't know where he was NOR was she concerned.

Rant

Ok - I just got into a fight with the trash guy - actually, a one-sided fight. A couple of weeks ago, he refused to take the extra bags of trash that were laying next to the trash cans. He kept pointing to the trash cans and saying, "no mas, no mas".

Every time the trash man comes, I have to pick up the trail of trash they leave behind on the driveway. (they take the trash cans and empty them into a larger trash can). So today, I was outside when the trash dude showed up. I pointed out the trash that fell out of the trash can as he was emptying it into his larger trash can. I was trying to tell him that he needed to pick up the trash that falls out of the trash can when he is dumping it into his bigger one. He just kept shaking his head no and wagging his finger at me.

I was arguing with someone who speaks no English. What do you think the chances of him picking up his mess on Thursday are?

Kimiposh was right, unemployment IS fun. I wouldn't get to argue with the non-English speaking trash man if I was employed. I would be at work when he came.

President or Presidential Candidate

I thought Obama won. Why is he still campaigning?

Funny in Washington

Jake Tapper is my favorite WH correspondent. From his tweet...

Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto -- 3 members of Styx are about to be given a WH tour.
3 minutes ago from web

Crips and the Bloods

UPDATE: Thanks to Ace for the link (I feel like the prettiest belle at the ball) and welcome to my pathetic little blog.

It appears Perez Hilton got is butt kicked by the Black Eyed Peas and tweeted for others to call the police for him. But Will. I. Am. has a video up talking about how positive he is and how he was just performing and got an award.

He went to an after party where he was DJing. Fergie went up Perez and asked if he has a problem with her, he said no. And then...he HURT HER FEELINGS.

Will.I.Am got all emotional because Fergie was emotional and then they were emotional together. Then W.I.A asked if Perez wouldn't mind not being rude and disrespectful, all nice and polite like W.I.A is all the time. AND THEN...Perez said he doesn't respect W.I.A. and W.I.A was all like "whaaaaaat?' Then Perez called W.I.A. a faggot when W.I.A. was minding his own business because it's all just opinions because music is all just opinions. And the fans were all "*&#^$" and the fans get all crazy and started stuff with Perez. It was a good night but ended kinda crazy.

Perez has his own video up and he is speaking as Mario Somebody and says what happened to him, happened to a human being and it shouldn't have happened to anyone. It should have happened to Miss California but not him (ok - maybe he didn't say that). Violence is NEVER the answer and blood should never be drawn and another person should never be hit, that is how people die. And the Peas manager should have hit Miss California because she says gay people shouldn't be married (again, not sure if that is exactly what he said).

Perez went to rehearsals for some award show and Fergie came up to him and asked why he was hating and Miss California was like, "yeah, why you such a hater" and Perez said he can dish and and can take it (I think he is talking about the hating here, but not sure. It could be some gay double speak). So he's dishing and taking and he will let people have their moment and he can say uglies about others and then lets them have their moment cuz he's cool like that. Then W.I.A goes and makes a video and HE IS A LIAR!!! W.I.A IS A COWARD!!!! AND A DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING FOR LYING!!! Mario Somebody would never ask for the publicity because he is super famous and doesn't need it. He also didn't ask for this. He likes exploiting other people but doesn't like being exploited. He said that..he likes to exploit other people but really doesn't like it when it's done to him. Maybe not in those words, but it was between the lines.

Perez was asked in an after show interview if there was any drama during the show and Perez said there was an "agro moment" (yeah, I don't know ...that's what he said) where the Peas entourage pushed him and he was over it. Then he went to an afterparty and Fergie came up to him and said something and he said something and the album was stupid and she was upset about being Fugly. Then Perez left the party and partied somewhere else and then got ready to leave and W.I.A came after him with his heat seeking missile (hee hee...could make a gay joke, but I will refrain)and got in his face about never writing about his band and Perez says he will try really hard. He really will try hard, really. But Perez's voice in his head said, "nah uh...he is a faggot and he needs to be disrespected" and then the voice projected out of his mouth, like vomit ...only with words. Then a Peas entourage punched him in the face and he was BLEEDING!! BLEEDING!! CALL THE COPS BEFORE HE DIES BLEEDING! HURRY, HIS EYE IS FALLING OUT OF HIS HEAD!

He can't believe how someone could do this. This is so UNACCEPTABLE and UNPROFESSIONAL. I mean first the Peas ask him a question and he was just answering it honestly. Then they go all online with a video and stuff calling him a stupid b*tch and how they deserve to lose because they are so stupid and so b*tchy. I mean, that is just UNPROFESSIONAL. What were the Peas thinking? GAWD!

GOD knows what happened and God is so on Perez's side. A random fan DIDN'T hit him and he wishes W.I.A. had hit him, but it was the manager. Then W.I.A. follows him to the hotel and Perez got scared and he called the police (I think his tweets prove different..but whatever). So he calls the police because W.I.A. is black and must have a gun and Perez doesn't want to be TuPac. And the police said they would try and make it but they were busy and Perez was scared. It was the manager who hit him and Perez took it to twitter because he was scared and wanted to make sure this all played on on the public scene in case he died of a gun shot wound just like Biggie. But Biggie didn't have twitter so the public didn't get to play along in his death and Biggie knows who shot him and he could have told us as it was happening if only he had twitter. Perez wants to make sure his side of the story is told. Because after he dies, he can't twitter anymore and how would anyone know his story? And he thanks everyone who called the police for him and from the bottom of his heart, he is so thankful. Because he is a human being and because violence is never the answer and he doesn't need the press and God is looking down on the Peas and he might pee on them. And Perez doesn't deserve what happened to him. He has no respect for any of you and Fergie is Fugly.

Oooooh, it is AWN now. IT. IS. SO. AWN!

It's like the Blood and the Crips...or West Side Story.

Yeah, the West Side Story ...which has music, respect, dancing, a gay guy, hitting, and love. Will Tony (Will.i.am) and Maria (Perez) be together again or is it not meant to be and they will have to kill each other for their love? I can't wait to find out how this ends. I'm going to check my tweets right now.

boy, kimiposh was right, unemployment IS fun. I would have totally missed out on this catfight if I had a job.

Iran is burning

and this is what we get from the media:

Mark Knoller of CBS twitter:

Obama just took his daughters for ice cream at a place in Alexandria. Obama seen with cup of frozen custard.

Obama and the girls are back at the WH after their quick outing for frozen custard.

You're gonna laff: Obama & the girls actually bought Frozen Puppy pops for Bo: flavors: pumpkin, peanut butter and yogurt…
you're right...that is soo funny and I did laff. I laff'd so hard

Obama had vanilla frozen custard in a cup with hot fudge and toasted almonds. The girls went more elaborate. (more)

Sasha had a Brownie sundae: vanilla frozen yogurt, hot fudge, cherry, sprinkles and whipped cream (which she asked Dad to scrape off)

Malia had vanilla frozen custart in a waffle cone.

Really? This is news?

Mr. Knoller did add this in his tweets:

Surprised by the outrage at the ice cream outing. What is it you expect or want the US to do about Iran? Attack? War?

I don't think the outrage is necessarily at the President so much as at you, Mr. Knoller.

Re-Education

I remember reading this book when I graduated college. Time to get the updated version of What Color Is Your Parachute

Fun with my niece....

Jackasses on parade

Did her mother beat her as a child while calling her "Liz"?

I just love jackasses!

Colbert interviews the family of the victim killed by Obama

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Murder in the White House - Fly Widow Interview
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Stephen Colbert in Iraq

Say it ain't so Joe - l

I wonder if the lovely Katie Lee Joel will be attending pretentious celebrity dinner parties with her cookies, which perfectly contrast the dark chocolate and cherries, now that she will no longer be married to William.

Obama hearts gay people

So I noticed Obama announced yesterday he was extending benefits to same sex couples for federal employees. It was a message that evolved over the course of the day as the headlines kept changing.

First it was, "Obama extends benefits to same sex couples for federal employees" which led us to believe if you were gay, your partner will be eligible for the same benefits of a married couple.

Then it was, "Obama extends benefits such as moving expenses to same sex couples of federal employees".

Then is was, "Obama extends benefits to same sex couples of federal employees but is limited to things such as moving expenses due to the Defense of Marriage Act".

It ended up, "Obama panders to gay people by throwing them a morsel of goodness. Their partners will get to have the government pony up the cost of moving their crap. Now leave him alone homo's..he's got bigger fish to fry and you just aren't that important to him".

Sums up the day nicely, don't you agree?

It's not corruption if your helping people...and I am people too

This guy has the right stuff. Massachusetts House Speaker Salvatore DiMasi says the state law allows him to receive kick backs for rigging a multi-million-dollar state contract and he has done nothing illegal.

You know what else is legal? Capping judges knee caps, that's what! It's right there in the state constitution.

Besides...what's he doing in Massachusetts when there is $700B in stimulus money to be spent? Send this guy to D.C.

I'm the webmaster for www.bitmebozemancity.com..am i hired?

This town in Montana requires all applicants to list the websites, forums, Facebook, MySpace, etc. that the applicant visits.... AND their ID's/passwords.

Are you kidding me? Apparently, city attorney Greg Sullivan doesn't know how to use Google like the other 498,548,912 employers who Google their applicants name to see what kind of mischief they have done online.

Mr. Sullivan said that no applicant has has ever removed his or her name from consideration for a job due to the request.

Those are some really bright people there in the city of Bozeman. This must be why you can see Bozeman from Mars. I know this because the aliens told me....BUT now I know why. Mystery solved.

This is why I am the mysterious Rambling Rants.

"We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals"

Again, PETA...this is why no one takes you seriously.

Ricky goes to Hollywood

Sarah Palins' daughter's baby daddy is "fielding pitches" in Hollywood for a reality tv show or other Hollywood gigs with his manager/pimp, Tank.

I always suspected the Palin's didn't like their daughter dating Levi but once Bristol became pregnant with his kid, they had to accept him. After reading this, it confirmed my original suspicions. She should've taken the car.

What a train wreck. His genetic contribution is probably something their baby could do without.

Gotta make sacrifices

Hard times

This is an improvement over Chopsticks

pretty cool

Councilwoman reminds police who approves their salaries

..while they arrest her on DUI charges.

And her apology? She says she, "stayed out of trouble for my first 33 years living in Glastonbury up to now". Does this mean her next 33 years will be filled with fun and adventure?

Politicians are funny. And by funny, I mean stupid.

They don't get rural America

Some Dems are upset with Obama's agenda. They are surprised to find he "doesn't get" rural America.

That is not true...he clearly understands your clingyness to guns and religion. Weren't you paying attention during the campaign? I mean, he didn't say it to your face...but he did explain you to his friends in San Fransisco. So clearly, he "gets" you. Maybe you don't "get" him and all he is trying to do to help you.

Because he is supersmarter than you.

What an idiot

Man tries to steal $14T from the IRS. Seriously? Did he actually think he was going to succeed? Doesn't he know you start out small and then build up to the $14T? You can't get rich overnight. Sheesh

Public school education

I think it is time to shut down this school.

You just know this is how these kids will end up.

Or we will see them on "Daisy of Love", "Rock of Love" or "For the Love of RayJ". Cuz' everybody's lookin' for love, man....and peace.

Random Thoughts

Why do people watch Daisy of Love?

what exactly is giving "truth to power"?

Many vices are just virtues that have gotten carried away.

Why can't some people realize that wealth is the only prevention of poverty?

See PETA

This is why no one takes you seriously.

Pike's Place Fish Market....reminds me of the time I had to implement the FISH! philosophy training. It was based on this fish market and was supposed to get everyone jazzed up about being at work and having fun and loving life.

It didn't work.

ahhh....good times, good times.

Ryan seacrest is almost straight

Just a fun-filled night out with the boys.

No Diploma For YOU!

A kid was denied a diploma for bowing and blowing a kiss to his family when he went up on stage to get his diploma.

Pfft...that's nothing. When I graduated, we had mice running around the field, beach balls bopping over the heads of the graduates, and one guy pulled out a king size bed sheet that said "Thanks Mom" on it.

Apparently, my class "ruined it" for those who came after. You're welcome!

Obama gets boo'd

His speech at the AMA yesterday didn't go over with the crowd when he said he wasn't going to do anything to help curb malpractice lawsuits. Really? Obama is sticking with the trial lawyers? I'm shocked.

The CBO has estimated the Kennedy-Dodd bill will cost upwards of $1T to cover 1/3 of the uninsured. What a nightmare.

Media

what is this headline on Drudge?

UPDATE: I thought ABCNEWS was permanently turning its new programming over to the White House, but it appears they will just be reporting for one night from the White House and then having some special on Healthcare.

yeah, it is unethical...but not as bad as I was thinking. Besides, this really is no different than what they already do. Propaganda is propaganda. Does it really matter where they report it from?

Fun at Krogers

So I went to Krogers to pick up some water and toilet paper and the place was pretty empty of customers. The clerk was talking to the stock boy about doing something after work. I heard all about how they were going to get "Diamond" and "bump" over to Pauly's and play some pool. I ask the clerk if she wouldn't mind ringing me up. She looked over at me with that look ... you know the look....the look you give someone who rudely interrupts you. Didn't say a word to me...turned back around and continued talking to the stock boy.

So I started looking for someone else to check me out. Couldn't find anyone, so I went back to my lane and asked the girl again if she could check me out. I even told her I would immediately leave and she and stock boy could chat it up uninterrupted. She said...and I quote, "Lady, can't you see we talkin'...I be wichu in a minute".

Really, Sunshine? You'll be with me in a minute? Is that the whole 60 seconds or are we going based on a rough estimation?

I continue to look around for someone else...deduct this chick isn't a manager and there has to be a manager around somewhere. I have decided by now that I really need a manager...because now I want to complain. (see, when I was employed..I didn't have time for stopping and complaining. But now? I got all the time in the world, precious!)

I see no manager so I walked over to the intercom phone...picked it up and said over the store, "Would a manager please come to Lane 3. The clerk here won't check me out and I am tired of waiting".

so this little bitty guy who can't be more than 12 years old comes marching down the aisle ...with FIERCE MEANING and starts yelling at ME!

pfft..eh...tsst...YES, you read that right. ME! Apparently, company policy says that customers ARE NOT TO USE THE INTERCOM. I explained to him that I don't work there so I would not be aware of company policy and if an actual employee of Kroger's would have checked me out, I would have no need to use the intercom.

Does anyone who works with the public understand customer service? I bet little manager is friends with Phil and Stevie.

Kimiposh is right...unemployment is fun!

Celebutards

Why are these two always on my tv, computer, and cover of magazines on the racks at the grocery store. These two idiots were also on The View....blondie kept spraying her hair through the whole interview. I'm impressed with Heidi's marketing skills. She was promoting some "dry shampoo" but never mentioned the name of the product.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Good thing I'm an apathetic sociopath...I'd kill these two if I actually cared.

Boots

Seriously, how do you walk in these things? Check out more photos from their W interview.