Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Dear Fat

Dear Fat -

I am writing to let you know I am dumping you. By the time you read this, I will have started the process of riding you out of my life. It's not me, it's you. See, the thing is I realized you suck. I know this might come as a shock to you because things have been going so well lately. But I feel it is time we part ways for good. I'm sorry, I just need my freedom...and I need to be able to zip up my pants.

I used to think you were so swell. But now, I believe we are not right for each other. Sure, our relationship started out slowly and we loved being together all the time. And sure, you gave up everything you had to be with me when I got laid off. But you have become a burden for me. I used to be able to wear cute clothes and look all snazzy. Now? I have one pair of black elastic pants that are beginning to wear a hole in the legs from my thighs rubbing together all the time. I have refused to buy new clothes because I have been planning on dumping you for some time now. Yes, that's right. This break-up has been in the works for awhile. But you seem so emotionally attached to me and I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I know we have broken up before and eventually gotten back together. This relationship is been quite the on-again/off-again rollercoaster that is emotionally draining for me. But that is your doing, not mine. The last time we broke it off, I told you then I wanted nothing to do with you. But...you keep coming back. Only this time, you came back with a vengeance. It's like you have gotten all weird and pervy on me lately. Wanting to be with me all the time, taking up more space than you should, making it more difficult for me to fit into my favorite jeans....it's just too much this time. I know, I know..I am at fault too. But sometimes ignorance is bliss. And sometimes ignorance gives you a muffin top.

But this time, I mean it! This break-up is for good. I don't want you lurking around trying to entice me, what with your bagels and cream cheese and your McDonald's biscuits and your chocolate chip cookies. We are done for good. I will no longer be accepting gifts from you or dinners out to Texas Steak House... with their delicious rolls and cinnamon butter.

I have always been kind to you...let you stay for awhile, let you hang out with me. Yet you, in your own malevolent ways have spitefully turned on me, and I have no other options but to dump you completely.

Don't call, don't write, and please don't stand at my refrigerator with the door open. If you do, I will have to file a restraining order.

Good bye fat. Take care of yourself and I hope you choke on your own vomit.



Kimiposh was right...unemployment IS fun. If I had a job, I wouldn't be drowning my sorrows in ice cream.

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