Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Adventures in FUNemployment vol.1

New Adventure -Golf

So as I was reading Kimiposh's article about the fun things that her rich friends have been doing since being laid off, and decided to expand my horizons and live like an unemployed rich person. I planned on documenting my adventures here, but haven't had time...what with Perez getting bitch-slapped, Michael Jackson dying, and Governor Sanford's love story, I have been a little tied up. So this is my first installment of Adventures in FUNemployment. Kimiposh's friend, Michael von Gorkum, plays rounds and rounds of golf everyday, so I thought I would start there.

Now I don't play golf much and I'm not really good at it. However, after reading Kimiposh's article I have to say I am getting quite excited about this. I think I might even turn this into a full time job and start playing for money - like Nancy Lopez.

Apparently, there is some "equipment" involved in golf, which I don't have. Therefore, I am going to have to go with what I got. I don't have those shoes with the spikes on the bottom of them, but I do have these:
I figure I can just hammer some nails into the bottom of them and they will work just fine. I saw Tiger wearing a pair of these at the British Open (except his were red). They do things a little "different" across the pond. But hey - if it's good enough for Tiger, it's good enough for me.

The next piece of "equipment" I was told I needed were some golf clubs. Again, don't have any of those laying around, but check out the cool set I swiped from my nephew:

huh? Pretty cool, right? It even comes with balls.

So I have my equipment and I am ready to hit some balls. I'm driving to a golf course brimming with so much excitement, I can hardly stand it. I am visualizing myself with that green jacket Tiger Woods always wins and my very own trophy to kiss.

As I am walking up to the club house (for you peasants, that's where all the old rich guys hang out before and after playing golf), I noticed that this golf course looks very different than the one I am used to.

WAIT A MINUTE! Where are the windmills? And the beautiful waterfall? Hey...just a second. This place has no hippopotamus that opens and closes its mouth? What is this...golf for the poor? I must be at the wrong course because all I see are little hilly-looking things that have flagpoles with flags on the top of them. And the flags are ALL THE SAME COLOR. Seriously guys...is this the white trash golf course? I bet Michael von Gorkum isn't playing here. He's playing on the rich people's golf course....where they have the little red farm house that you hit your ball in to.

This totally sucks....big, white golf balls.

I was already there so I decided to go ahead and play. I go into the clubhouse and tell the nicely tanned gentleman that I would like to play a round of golf. He was so helpful and so kind and told me he could set me right up....for $75. And a cart would be an additional $55!!!!!eleventy!!!!

WHAT!*$%# You don't need a cart at the course I normally play. They have all the holes close enough that you can walk. How do poor people play on this golf course? I don't know about this. I think this is some kind of scam.

Being unemployed and not rich, $130 is pretty steep to hit a little ball around and sweat all day. And Michael von Gorkum plays EVERYDAY? I had such high hopes for my day. I was going to be the next Nancy Lopez.
I am crushed....crushed by the cruelness of the world. It's not fair. NOT FAIR, I tell you. Doesn't the nice, tanned gentleman know I have dreams? Does he know that he just squashed my dreams like a bug under his shoe? A ladybug? Doesn't he know that I am unemployed and need to have some fun? Will Gov. Sanford become one with his mistress? Does he care? Apparently not.

As I was leaving, crushed from my blow of not being able to play in the LPGA, I ran into Michael von Gorkum. He was kind enought to let me drive his cart.
Kimiposh mislead me. She had me believing that unemployment was so much fun and filled with adventure. I just sent her a note to let her know she might want to warn her readers that playing golf all day, everyday, can become an expensive habit - like cocaine.

UPDATE: My dreams haven't been totally crushed....they are alive....alive like the sound of music. I got me one of these to practice golf with. I can smell the money now! LPGA, here I come.

UPDATE II: The dream was not to be....the nails from my shoe tore a hole in the putting mat. No more practicing, no more golf, no more LPGA. DAMN YOU KIMIPOSH, getting my hopes up.

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